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St. Jude

by Smoke and Mirrors

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1.
Thaw 04:05
"You're only happy when you're fucked up" she said And that's the kindest way anybody's put it yet Cause I forget how lonely I've been So this is independence: sirens and cigarettes, empty accounts, slip ups and sins Completely naked but fully clothed under our skin We don't have to be the way we've been But I'm terrified we won't remember to forgive again Don't paint me anything just save me I'm trying my best but it's not enough just to be Don't paint your preferences on my skin I'm just a fucked up kid, it's all I've ever been It's all I'll ever be You mean so much to me, that's why I have to leave There are better days ahead but not in this place Easy now, keep your voice down You're too drunk and too upset to drive home now So take your whips to my back if it means you'll forget the rest I'll wake a bruised and salted corpse despite trying my best So let's chat about all the things we felt but never said I'll sit in the dark until I learn to shine again Don't paint me anything just save me I'm trying my best but it's not enough just to be Don't paint your preferences on my skin I'm just a fucked up kid, it's all I've ever been It's all I'll ever be
2.
Savoir Faire 04:48
If it was crime to lie and deceive I'd need a hundred cells for all the men I've been If self loathing was a sin I wouldn't care all that much cause I abandoned God in the New Mexican sun I hope I choke and I hope you miss me A drink and a smoke for the road I hope it makes me happy I don't know where I'll go but the coast sounds like gold I won't come home till I know what I'm doing I abandoned myself when somebody said that to truly live you must first brush with death I'm learning why I'm hurting and I'm finding my muse but I can't find my purpose or at least not the truth I hope I choke and I hope you miss me A drink and a smoke for the road I hope it makes me happy I don't know where I'll go but the coast sounds like gold I won't come home till I know what I'm doing If I can make it past the border, burns, and foliage Then I can finally start to feel at home Cause my demons have been scratching at my door But no more I hope I choke and I hope you miss me A drink and a smoke for the road I hope it makes me happy I don't know where I'll go but the coast sounds like gold I won't come home till I know what I'm doing
3.
I'm not so easily defined Not a straight line More of a puff of smoke on the inside I linger and wait for a sign To escape out the open window on the other side Of a room that we both occupied Don't call me selfish for wanting you to sympathize I hear the roaring of the crowd They're screaming "You were never crowned!" But who have I been ruling this whole time If you were unaligned? I remember long nights and whispered lies Slurred speech and fake smiles fueled the fire inside My head is aching, heavy with brawl Sex scent and sweat drenched, I won't call Don't call me selfish for wanting you to sympathize I hear the roaring of the crowd They're screaming "You were never crowned!" But who have I been ruling this whole time If you were unaligned? I hope that you don't blame yourself
4.
Weight 04:30
I ache in my sleep When I sleep in your wake I chase while I dream Until I find your heat I was once so naïve I was stronger then before I was jaded Father Time was such a tease I used to plan like my future mattered I'm still not where I want to be I hope the States will still take me when I find out what I need Am I still yours while you sleep? I know you dream but not of me Everything will be okay You're not here with me now But I know I'll see you someday If things don't get better I'll be with you soon But I have friends and I have family who swear that I'll improve If I make this commitment to better myself Would you smile down from Heaven, cry "God, let me out!" I need you back on the ground I need catharsis right now This winter without you has been the coldest Hell that I've felt I'm still not where I want to be I hope the States will still take me when I find out what I need Am I still yours while you sleep? I know you dream but not of me Oh, Saint Jude, watch over me I'm done looking for myself in the people I meet Why can't I just be happy? I've watched the things I used to love fade gray with ennui
5.
Isn't it funny how we both laugh about it now Like the light didn't just go out And neither of us ever blamed ourselves Isn't it crazy how I almost forget how it felt Before you were just a notch in my belt We grew up, grew apart, and grew out of our shells It still eats me up inside And it still keeps me up at night Our final goodbye wasn't quite right We both got tattoos and did what we thought was cool We both lived for somebody else But now we're both getting out It still eats me up inside And it still keeps me up at night Our final goodbye wasn't quite right
6.
Xenu 05:51
A spark of inspiration In a life without stimulation Maybe you'll love me more when this season's said and done Maybe I want you for all the wrong reasons Shot down, defeated but I'm still breathing I can't believe this happened again I'm in my head, dissecting Trying to make sense of what you're feeling Destiny is beckoning There's nothing left of me Calculating and chemistry I know that there must be a science to your apathy Lipstick and attitude can't substitute The answers I've been after Maybe I should go, I'll leave you alone Don't say maybe if you want to say no Maybe you'll want me more when our lives have settled down Maybe I'll want you for selfish reasons Destiny is beckoning There's nothing left of me Calculating and chemistry I know that there must be a science to your apathy
7.
Wait 04:11
I believe in cold showers like Christians believe in prayer This headache's been hanging over me for something like a year At some point tonight I might drive myself home This party's alright, I just need to be alone Sometimes I drink too much when I know I hate getting plastered Cause the booze tastes better than the life we could've had together The booze tastes better than the thought of you two together I'm sorry for how I acted, I'm happy that you're happy with him Oh, worst case scenario You'll come home and you won't pick up your phone No, you don't owe me anything But I'd like to think you care enough to try I'd be wrong An american introvert with nothing going on Is too boring for your foreign sense of style Some stupid kid, tiny and timid Could never compete with the bright lights in Berlin An american introvert with nothing going on Is too boring for your foreign sense of style You checked your maps, I checked my pulse You saw the world, I saw my fold

credits

released August 22, 2015

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Smoke and Mirrors Fort Wayne, Indiana

Defunct Indiana emo outfit.

Harrison
Travis
Dylan
Brandon
Dylan

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